my daddy has never scolded me to that extent before. he said thats not scolding. he just wants me to understand. whats there i dun understand.

yesterday i went out to study with my friend at night. having accompanied mummy to see doc, my whole day is practically gone. and my parents always sleep at ten plus everyday. usually at night, i m all alone. so i m very happy when i got company to study with at night. but my mummy doesnt like it. she has always been a wet blanket. always asking daddy not to let me go out study. and always say whats so good about going out to study. at home i get the freedom i want etc. and when i go out, i waste money. i explained to her many times already. at home, i will tend to sleep and walk around. at times go out study can achieve more. and this questioning has been going on for years since i was sec 3. having explain to her many many times, sometimes i will give reply such as, u r not the one studying, you wont be able to understand. after saying that, usually i feel very upset and thought i shouldnt say that, its abit too much. and usually i have to take sometime to settle down, so that the "feeling bad" feeling is gone then i can concentrate. but the next day, when i go out to study, she will say the same thing again. i feel so angry and upset. i m so motivated to cover alot on my way to go out to study and she always act like a wet blanket.

so this is what happened yesterday and today morning before i went out to study. was at home alone since evening. was so happy when my parents came back. but the moment she stepped into the house, history repeats again. she said, " dun always eat in your room la. u always eat in your room and study room. eat like tt not healthy one. no wonder ur getting fatter." i was so happy when i see them. but she is always saying me. like out of the blue. really very sianz already lor. to think that i felt bad in the morning for any-o-how replying her. and to think that she would understand and not say me that often anymore because its getting a little frustrating. she just doesnt get it at all.

and the moment she settled down, she went into my room. i already knew what she wanted to do. close my curtain. its precisely knowing that she doesnt like me to open my curtain or window too much, i already closed it before she saw them. we had been arguing on this opening of window and curtain thingy for sometime. i told her i will close it when i m changing. i know what to do. but she always said she doesnt like it to be opened. opposite can see. and she said thats her house, she doesnt like it to be opened. i already told her that opposite wont see, even if they see, so what, i m not changing or doing anything. and i m the one in the room, i dun like my room to be stuffy stuffy. i cant study like tt. but whenever she passed by my room, she will still close the window such that it is smaller and pull the curtain. its getting irritable.

so when she did tt just now, i asked, " what r u doing?" and she was agitated. saying why whatever thing she does, i must scold her. HELLO? since when i scolded her. if thats call scolding, then whenever she said me, thats call what, yelling is it? and she will always tell daddy that i scolded her, i argued with her. u know how i feel?

and when i tried using the tone she used to say me, to talk to her, she will say why i talk to her like tt. but i m merely using the tone she always uses on me. why cant she understand abit?

its my exam period. i m already very vexed over it. cos i cant finish what i need to study. was crying just now in my room.

and my daddy suddenly just came in and raised his voice at me. telling me cannot cry. i told him mummy always say me, its getting a little frustrating for me. and its a little too much for me to take. but he said mummy say u its becos she cares for you. and he said he has been husband with her for years, he can take it why cant i? and he said, " you r her daughter leh. if u r vexed, i m more vexed. alot of things i just kept them in my heart. customer oweing money, not paying, injured becos of work, i just kept quiet. whatever you want or need, i provided you. laptop, going to school. mummy is sick now u know? and now u r making a big fuss over this little thing" mummy said," m i no good to you? i always tidy your table, make your bed, whatever household chores you dun have to do. and wherever u wanna go, we allow you. u always never ask us and just arranged yourself we also never scold you. if say also cannot, then how to communicate. no need to communicate already lor." i kept crying and mummy asked daddy not to say anymore. but daddy insisted on saying because he said he wanna let me understand. i told him to go back and not say anymore.

"stop crying ah, i tell you. stop crying and go sleep. or go do your work."

"how i study like tt?"

i always thought daddy is the rational one. i was so disappointed this time round. and he is comparing me and him. he asked me to just listen to mummy and dun care. but how to? i m not him. he doesnt listen at all. whenever talk to him, he doesnt reply much. but i listen. i listen to whatever mummy says. and now he is saying that he works so hard out there, suffering and yet i m giving him more trouble and make him more vexed. its as if i m not a good girl, i m not sensible, i m not behaving myself. since when did i not behave myself? has he forgotten the times we endure together when my mummy is sick? has he forgotten the times when i stayed overnight at changi hospital and mt e hospital to accompany mummy even though i m super scared? and how those times affected my studies because i simply have no time for studies, i have to rush to few places, get report for the doc to see.... etc? he is able to stand it because he comes home at seven plus only. he reads the newspaper and goes to sleep? but i m in the house for the whole day.

and now that mummy is back, as much as i would like to go out to study, i stayed at home. because i wanna accompany mummy. i made an effort to have dinner at home every day. i made an effort to have breakfast with her when its my free day and sat. i can just shut myself and listen to my music at home while studying. but i didnt. becos i wanna talk to them.

i understand everything that he has said. i understand he is working hard out there. but i just want him to know that mummy has been saying me and its getting a lttle frustrating. i just want to let her know that whenever she says me, i m irritated. all the years, it has been the same old things. about me being so dirty and untidy. about me dunno how to keep the house clean. all these years.. its really getting too much for me to take already. is that so hard to understand? why cant they attend to this small request of mine.

i kept saying, "m i wrong to request that she say me a little lesser? its been the same old things and for many years."

instead of taking a step back, my daddy raised his voice again.

i already told my mummy this morning that whenever she says me, its frustrating for me. frustrating becos its the same old thing. and that she has been saying it for years already. and i told her, when i m pek chek, i cannot study. and why cant she say something tt will make me happy?

i tried my best to do whatever that can make her happy and satisfy her. but she is always not satisfied. never praise me before but only say me.

now i feel as though i m labelled as the bad person in this family. and i m a burden to them. i add troubles and worries to daddy's already stressful life. in the past, he will always act as mediator. always talk to me in a kind tone. but today, its just very upsetting and disappointing for me. suddenly its as though no one is by my side already. even the most rational person is not understanding anymore.

I love kitty.

tsk posted @ Saturday, November 03, 2007

yesterday went for cc meeting. got my hello kitty mouse from desmond!! yays! had been looking forward to receiving this super early 21st bday present. =D thank you!

then we went to 85 market to eat after meeting, roughly near midnight. was playing with the rabbit in the car. haha.

got home, rushed projects cos i m going zoo in the morning.

see lotsa animals. super tired. was dozing off on the way back in the cab.

bathed and went for my grandma bday dinner.

dun underestimate the power of words. so dun ever let your voice out before using your brain to think.

I love kitty.

ugly people posted @ Thursday, November 01, 2007

its really during crisis time will u get to see the true person. actually everyone is selfish. its just a matter of whether they have the guts to show it or not.

exam period is when time becomes the limited resource and everyone is more conscious of what they are doing. going shopping definitely is not a good idea. sleeping more than 8 hours is not a good idea too. and its because of this, you get to see those who have the guts to show their selfishness, reaping benefits for themselves at the expense of others. its nasty, but its not uncommon.

i just cant understand why people have the guts to show their shelfishness. not afraid that their true self being exposed?

"dont you think its not very nice of you to do so?"

"but its only fair what."

thats not the way to treat a friend who has been considerate to you.

its just disappointing.

I love kitty.